Origins:
Easter began as the Bible’s big cliffhanger finale. It also set up the sequel. Sadly, that’s still in the works.
Date:
Easter is on April 20. Except when it’s on April 16. Or it’s on April 25. Or May 30. Or November 5.
Moveable feast:
Which makes it hard to book a table in advance.
Crucifixion:
Pontius Pilates got the dates wrong and found he was accidentally crucifying Jesus at Easter.
Resurrection:
The cross fell over the first time.
Easter egg:
In ‘The Greatest Story Ever Told’ the man on the cross to the left of Jesus is wearing an Apple watch, which means that the whole Easter thing is a communist paedophile conspiracy designed to undermine America.
Palm Sunday:
When Jesus asked “My God, why have you forsaken me?”, God told him to talk to the hand.
Calvary:
Never arrived.
Stations of the cross:
Anyone who has used the Northern Line in rush hour will understand this.
Hot cross buns:
What you get sitting on the Northern Line in rush hour.
Gethsemane:
Bless you.
Passover:
Don’t mention this.
Shroud of Turin:
Sheet used to wrap Jesus’s body. A Roman soldier from northern Italy had no bedlinen that night.
Roll away the stone:
Jesus’s tomb was blocked up with a huge rock. When the disciples returned and rolled it away they found, incredibly, that it had gathered no moss (oh, and Jesus had scarpered).
Ascension:
They searched everywhere, even in the smallest islands of the Pacific, but they couldn’t find him.
Where’s Jesus?
After his death, his disciples kept thinking they’d seen him around. A bit like Elvis, though not in rhinestones every time.
Doubting Thomas:
Disciple who insisted that Elvis really did die on the toilet trying to shit while holding a double peanut-butter cheeseburger.
Conclusion:
Is that Jesus over there? The one with the sideburns…