Democracy:
Popularised by the Ancient Greeks. But they also had a big thing for the sexual abuse of young boys, so not in itself a great recommendation
Returning officer:
Official who comes back every election because no one else wants to stay up all night
Count:
If you can you can be a returning officer
Recount:
When the returning officer has run out of fingers
Ballot box:
Groin protection for male returning officers in case an upset candidate knees them in their constituency
Voter ID:
In permanent conflict with voter ego
X:
Anonymous candidate
Electoral roll:
Candidate’s lunch
Election special:
Hot lunch of the day
Deposit:
Follows electoral roll and election special sooner or later
Doorstep:
High-kicking way in which Reform supporters walk
Hustings:
Where the Normans voted by 10 to 66 to invade England
Poll:
Pot. Rigged elections in Cambodia
Electorate:
How Daleks choose a new leader
Proxy voter:
Someone who stands a little too close to you while you’re voting
Tactical voter:
Uses small nuclear weapons to influence the electorate
Swing voter:
Voter having sex with another couple
Postal vote:
One that reaches the count four weeks late
Spoiled vote:
Vote that no one ever said ‘no’ to
Polling card:
Roguish, dapper, moustachioed, voter
Parish council:
Elected by sozzled French voteurs
Candidate:
Dalek standing for election
Recall:
When you can’t remember why you bothered voting
Conclusion:
Don’t waste your vote! Stay at home