Origins:
Football was invented at British public schools when the oiks fled the violence and the toffs needed something else to kick
Modern football:
The oiks snuck back and stole the game and the toffs had to invent Rugby
Premier League:
Then robber billionaires stole it from the oiks
Striker:
Player who refuses to play for less than £300,000 a week
Defender:
Player who says £300,000 a week is a fair wage
Grass:
Player who tells the rest of the team what the striker is earning
Card:
Moustached player from the 1950s who drove a Jaguar, smoked 20 cigarettes a day, and never trained
Red card:
Labour supporting moustached player from the 1950s who drove a Jaguar, smoked 20 cigarettes a day, and never trained
Yellow card:
Moustached player from the 1950s who drove a Jaguar, smoked 20 cigarettes a day, and never trained, and who had jaundice
Winger:
Dashing footballer who makes things up as they go along
Goalkeeper:
Player who remembers the score
Draw:
Where footballers keep their socks
Score draw:
Where footballers keep their contraceptives
No-score draw:
Where footballers keep their bedtime reading
Wag:
Cheeky and amusing moustached player from the 1950s who drove a Jaguar, smoked 20 cigarettes a day, and never trained
Half time:
Small glass of beer after the match
Full time:
Many large glasses of beer after the match
Injury time:
Falling over after too much beer
Extra time:
Lock-in at a post-match bar
Flag:
What a player does in training if they have a hangover
Opposition half:
Partner who finds out what a footballer was doing the night before
Kick-off:
What they do
VAR:
When three people in a room hundreds of miles from a match spend ten minutes trying to decide whether two millimetres of a footballer’s armpit was nearer the goalkeeper than the defender’s little toe, and, if so, whether that had distracted the goalkeeper from making a save that they still wouldn't have made even if it hadn’t, while half the crowd get fed up and start fighting among themselves for want of entertainment
FC:
Toilet at a football club
FB:
Social media for a football club
FA:
Chance of getting a replica shirt for under £100
FIFA:
First name of the star player’s new girlfriend
UEFA:
Now he’s going out with someone from Eastern Europe
Set-piece:
Today’s hairstyle
Training:
Brief moment of the day when a footballer is not at the hairdressers, tattoo parlour, or breaking the speed limit in an Italian supercar
Penalty:
12 points on their licence for breaking the speed limit in an Italian supercar
Five-a-side:
Players left on the field at the end of a very violent match
Substitute bench:
Spare bench needed after all the sent-off players have smashed up the original one
Catching the referee’s ear:
What the ground staff need to do after an extremely violent match
Defensive wall:
Trump's way of keeping Mexican footballers out of the US
Goal line:
“I just hit it and it went in, Gary”
Relegate:
What Dalek teams try to do to the opposition
Conclusion:
There isn’t one. People still argue about that England goal from 1966