Origins:
Vitamins began when snake-oil salespeople ran out of snakes and had to find something else to sell
A:
The indefinite vitamin
B:
There are lots of different B vitamins - 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 9, and 12 - meaning that B vitamins affect the ability to count
C:
Captain Cook discovered vitamin C on an island in the South Seas when all his crew turned into scurvy dogs, Jim lad. A couple of limeys pointed out they turned nice again after eating fruit. So he massacred the locals, stole their pineapples, named the vitamin after the first letter of his name, and became a hero of British history
D:
Called the sunshine vitamin because it’s essential for people who don't get much sun. It stops them punching people who go on and on about the nice holidays they could afford. It’s also good for bone health, so it helps them heal after getting into a fight when those people won’t shut up about their beautiful beach break
E:
Promotes the appreciation of endless and tuneless music, the desire to wear cheap fluorescent jewellery, and a total lack of quality control in sexual partners
F G H I J:
Overuse of vitamin E led scientists to forget these letters and move straight on to…
K:
Found in green vegetables. And best left there unless you can find a recipe that makes them interesting
Supplements:
Supplements are essential to a few business people making lots of money from pills that people take in the belief that they are deficient but which, in fact, just give them colourful piss
RDA:
Paramilitary group fighting for free vitamins
IU:
Contraceptive vitamin
Capsule:
Collection of fashionable vitamins
One-a-day:
As in “there's a sucker born…”
Multivitamin:
Theory that every time someone takes a vitamin, someone in a parallel universe doesn't and is just as healthy
Conclusion:
If you take vitamins you’ll be healthy. If you don’t, you’ll be just as healthy and have a bit more money to buy decent food